I spent a large portion of my life in survival mode. I’d be physically present but mentally absent. My partner dubbed it my “spaceship.” My version on survival mode. As a child, I began dissociating in this manner. I was fortunate to have a steady place to live, consistent meals, and an abundance of clothing. And parents who genuinely cared about me.
My parents were survivors of tremendous cycles of generational trauma. Poverty, scarcity, and a complete absence of emotional connection were all aspects of both of their childhoods. They saw the world through a protective, defensive, and terrified lens, which made perfect sense. And I internalized my apprehension. Around the age of seven, I had a dream about someone breaking in or one of my parents dying unexpectedly.
Because of nervous system dysregulation, there was a lot of yelling, weeping, and crises. Without knowing how to communicate through it.
All I knew was survival mode. When nothing “happens,” I create settings that can transport me back to those crisis states — usually through romantic relationships.
I’ve worked hard over the last few years to get back into my physique. Every morning, there is movement. My sleep is a non-negotiable for me (sleep is huge in healing.) I’m still in survival mode. When I’m worried out or simply sleepy. Now all I have to do is watch it happen and do my best to navigate it.
I don’t live there anymore. I have boundaries to how willing I am to participate in those crises cycles.
You’ll get through it just fine as well!
